Sunday, September 11, 2005


I left the radio on last night (too much red wine perhaps) and had a really broken night's sleep as a result. I woke up at about 8.30 a.m. somewhere in between the U.S. Open tennis, riots in Belfast, hurricane Katrina and the Ashes.

I don't think it helped lift my mood for the day. [Yesterday I dreamt that Alex and I went to the country to take part in a Witch Rattling festival - I may Google Witch Rattling later and see what comes up...]

Somehow, I can't shake the feeling of resentment that once the flat has been cleaned, the vacuuming done, the kitchen tidied and laundry completed - I have to do it again in another week's time. There is an unsubtle domestic tyranny about the whole process that sometimes floors me for hours at a time. I suppose it's the inevitability, routine necessity and unchanging demand of repetitive actions that can wear a man down.

When this mood comes over me, it's usually displacement for more general feelings of discontent, mild depression and stress. I know I can work through it by keeping busy (doing the bastard washing, cleaning the bathroom &c), going running, being productive and all that - but sometimes, I just can't be arsed to make myself busy. There is some sort of satisfcation in allowing myself to suffer the slow, abrasive self-harm of being depressed - but I don't want to go too far down that road.

So here's an overview of projects to make me happy:

1. Learn to drive (finally) - so I can jump in a car and go anywhere, anytime.
2. Move house - get away from the current bunker and make my domestic life a little less provisional.
3. Do my accounts for last financial year - so I can finally sort out if I have been putting enough money aside for the tax man and stop feeling like a Ken Dodd in the making.
4. Either find a training partner or join a training group so I can get the discipline I need to begin proper training to do a triathlon.
5. Work out where the aggression I work hard at keeping under control comes from - then I won't have to waste so much energy controlling it and will have more time to chat, knit, come to appreciate the value of Su Doku or whatever...

Other good things I can do:

1. Listen to Rufus Wainwright: I love his last few albums but cannot bear to listen to him talk (I have to switch off the TV if he appears before his wining, nasal and affected tones make my ears bleed and I start chewing my teeth).
2. Listen to Antony and the Johnsons (see past entries).
3. Look at my diary and write appointments in it - this creates the illusion of control which is a good illusion to foster.

However unjust the tedious necessity of household tasks is, there is also something satisfying about completing those tasks. I write this with the smell of freshly cleaned bathroom drifting through the flat...


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